EVILLE IT

This one's very personal. What's weird is that this truly could be written for most black females at Edwardsville High School, classes of 1992 through 1997, and most likely beyond. But we have prevailed, and that's all I really give a damn about.

Stephen King's not the only one

who found that strange phenomenon.

That evil seed that should not breed...

It's trick is to find those placed within

A place they never should have been

Neglected souls, those with their own patrols

but not just any, only the new blossoms

They surely must not be aware

They must not know the monster's toll

To allow us to exist, It required our whole

Not piece, not part, but all we lacked

Every insecurity It needed to hold us back...

But fuck that, dear friend, how far we've come!

So many failed attempts to escape It's arm

So much pursued and accomplished despite

It's grasp on our lives, on our hearts, on our might.

Why did we ever walk in the shadows of others?

Confidence shattered, hope shaken

Who were those scared little girls?

I remember me, I remember you

On opposite sides of fences,

not in disagreement

but strongly desiring what the other had

this wasn't bad, we just didn't know the associated pain

of living in another's world, only our own,

thinking, something's got to be better than this

Successfully unloving ourselves

but,

pouring our souls into another's happiness

What a trick It played on us,

Lifelong impressions haunting us at our core,

Yearnings that will never be fulfilled

And why do we care still?

I'm not sure, but we do

We DO wish for redemption, for acknowledgement...

Vindication...

LIBERATION...

from what though?

Our own perceptions, the lies It told us?

They unfold now,

But we must look to the NOW to see it,

'cause back then? It was everything, the only thing

A couple of young black girls knew

Now, the transformation

From not being amused to being a muse,

goddess, puppeteer of It, now and forever...

Act accordingly.

I never seek to hope's executioner, love's liquidator, peace's eliminator
So I smile at you, and say 'hi' to you, and offer you the opportunity to talk to me if you need
because if only for a moment in your day
or in your life, I want you to feel good about something, about someone
And so I am often misconstrued,
By some men they see it as an open door
By some women a phony moment
And it is neither
And I will not change
This is me.

These days everybody claim they swag trafficking

When really lives lack and seems

Nobody wants to be a king

Of life or hope or joy any good cling

And we climb each other's back

To touch mirage, not achieve a dream

And I ain't frontin' like I don't have the same thoughts

Or that I construct my life with only just the meager wants

Damn, I'm just about as guilty as the robber's bag

I'll open up and take, but I ain't even ask for that

A foul disclaimer as we go through life doing dirt,

hearts are filthy but display clean hands with all the nerve

Habitually, ritually ending up on Sundays in church

Spiritually hunting down Satan when we the real perps

Bodies there but hearts and minds trapped where sin's perched

Still frollicking at them places where frailties converge

We bring out them toys hacking other's weakness everyday

I just sank your battleship, now please go and pray.

I'm Sorry, But No Apologies

I admit I often wonder
What do you see in me?
The woman that inspires
Or the one that seeks to be?
The girl never admired
Or the woman that is too much?
The feelings you've retired
Or the chick you want to touch?
Am I the fanner of the fire
Or there for you in the clutch?
Never fancied myself a liar
but may stretch myself too much.

I've only ever wanted to take you higher
Exert my wisdom muse
My love never retires
Although my love gets used
Not sure what you saw prior
But today is all I know
Yesterday seems not as dire
And not clear 'bout tomorrow
A shame to say this through the wire
Keeping my distance long
It's never been my desire
Although the outcome's wrong.

Hopefully I'm preaching to the choir
And you understand my recluse ways
I'd just hate to be a flier
In your book, an excerpt on a page
I wish not to conspire
Or make you feel I'm false
To exist, I do require
That some people will get lost
Wish there was some life umpire
to make those final calls
But alone I walk this briar
I take the credit and the falls.

Vibe

I am trapped in this quest to express myself, speaking to earless narcissists, requesting answers from mouthless fools, dying to be seen by eyeless eclectics. Where do I genuinely exist? This makes perfect sense to me, and if not to you, I am sorry, but you are not who I am longing for.

intrinsically art

Being an artist is hard. From my perspective, I feel that a minute pool of artists ever achieve the level of exposure they seek. Most of us earn degrees and take jobs that guide us off the creative path, while forced to share our gifts with only ourselves, or our loved ones, because either we don't have the confidence that we've perfected our craft for the world to see or because we just don't see the point - no one will ever know us.

Stop your ninnying. If you want to be an artist, be one. Create for yourself, and if no one ever sees it, you did. You accomplished it. So write, rap, draw, paint, sculpt, speak, cook, bake....do it to EXpress, not IMpress.

Beasts

I'm not a fan of cruelty, disrespect or any other form of demeaning individuals. To be perfectly honest, I abhor people who seek out to use or manipulate with the sole intent of furthering his own agenda. We all get used sometimes, it's part of the game, but be careful about your goal purpose. This is my response to what I felt was a negligent proposal for my purpose.

Not for all the digits in the world
Will I do that jig, will I dance that twirl
My beastly pride does indeed not heed
to cease dysfunction and prevent mislead
-nigga please-
I sensed a feeling, then sniffed that breeze
So, here go yo' office, here go yo' keys
Here goes the veins and arteries
Here come nonexistent begs and pleas
I won't trip, but know pride can morph to disease

So we sit in our worlds and refuse to admit
that our beasts so strong, could have joined, could have fit
could have rocked, could have rolled, could have soared this shit
But the pride your beast chose, the group beast picked?
The den they in, don't you smell that stench??
Yo' beast smell loyalty,
My beast smell bitch.

I send mine gone and expect the same
Look up, and I'm circled by the pride, by the gang
Shoulda known, shoulda seen that ain't nothin change

But me....

Back to the wall, my beast begs to come back
Try to waive beast off, tell her don't attack
Don't make that sound! Don't make bones crack!

But my beastly pride does indeed not heed
to cease dysfunction and prevent mislead.
To ensure I'm sane, to prevent my fail
to ensure my triumph, pay any bail
So I fed my beast, I stuffed her well.

You Can Never Be Certain

Funny how sudden things can change

One moment basking in the sun

In a flash seeking shelter from the rain

Battered and bruised by life’s mental canes

So often my heart tries to console

My torn and weary soul

But ain’t that my brain’s role?

To process, reform and produce a package with bow?

And if not what part of me is responsible for making me whole?

Filling that gap and paying that toll?

Or is that depending on the circumstance

Self cannot heal

And from time to time we must rely

On the kindness of strangers

Handing over our future existence

To unwitting participants

And depending on our karma

We sink or swim in it

Now ain’t that some shit?

If indeed this is true

I suggest a watchful mind on how you treat me

Likewise on how I you

Rethinking what we will or won’t do

Resizing the fit of someone else’s shoe

Be prepared to walk in it

Cause there’s no telling when you’ll need to

Guaranteed before it’s all said and done

Enemies, rivals and opposites will critically intersect

Even just momentarily forced to connect

Like some twisted 3 legged race

Where your success to the finish your life predicates

Outcome that you play well with others

Or your life gets erased.

Let us be very clear about our intent. Let us not be influenced by the will of others when we know at our core it is not right. The world relies on us to become a pack of followers, partaking in egregious assaults on the human rights and liberties, not just willingly but excitedly participating in the demise of others, and not feeling when we do it.  To make it become such a natural way of existence that deceit, withholding, conniving and hate become as natural as walking, breathing or defecating.  Lured by worldly rewards, that when unwrapped and untied, are nothing more than demises, trapped in a box with crank attached. This, the physical mechanism that winds with every immoral, unethical and demeaning act we display, until, reaching life's limit, karma bursts out, rushing at us fervently to collect on our transgressions.

Do not be the pawn of a self proclaimed King or Queen; become the King or Queen to utilize your influence for the betterment of the human condition.

The Heart's Tell

I see a little bit of the truth each day,

I'll speak this tomorrow, yet you heard that today,

Which absolutely don't mean you can't believe what I say,

This just means that concerning my youth, 

progressively maturity outweighs.

I spend so many hours and so many days,

Refining my life for future out-pays,

Not material or worldly or fruitless displays,

The type where love and karma and beauty do play.

Yes, I see a little bit of the truth each day,

I'll speak this tomorrow, yet you heard that today

Which often, unfortunately my heart's core enclaves

For enlightenment prerequisites that I speculate

How do I adapt, do I acclimate?

Where do I seek the peace, or find what equates?

In me, in you, in love's arms we lay

Then the layers, the layers of heart's scars away.