CALCULATING

Calculate - adj. - shrewd, crafty: coldly scheming or conniving

Calculating has long since been found in cahoots with other adjectives such as malicious, menacing, scheming, cold; all describing unwanted and socially reprehensible characteristics, those likened to thieves, criminals, tyrants and heartless individuals.

Its perception concerns me, however, because I do consider myself to be calculating. I plan out nearly every move that I make, and before I act, have run through every possible benefit and consequence; every scenario determined, because I work specifically for avoidance. My use of this tool has little to do with scheming to take from others what does not belong to me; be it money, products, life, hope or love. In particular, I employ this tool to create for myself a stress-free, highly productive, positive-functioning environment and lifestyle where I am comfortable nearly all the time.

This has become my nuance as well as my protectant, because it has created an extremely particular individual - those who I allow into my circle; the career path I've chosen; how I respond to others; and how I expect them to respond to me. None of which having anything to do with anything underhanded.

So I'm annoyed, because if you look at the meaning of "calculate" you hear a completely different tone:

v. - to determine by reasoning, common sense, or practical experience; estimate; evaluate; gauge.

Huh? Why such varying representations for a verb versus an adjective; planning versus scheming; practical versus shrewd; ingenuity versus crafty. Why "to calculate" means performing some quality, logical or smart functions and calculating stands for those characteristics of the world's underbelly genuinely perplexes me.

Why, because I want my life to follow a certain order, and will do what I must to make this happen must I feel that my methods are undesirable, that I have in some way erred grossly because I make things happen - my way. You could call it selfish, and I won't object. I'm no martyr; I can not leave my life to be determined by the will of others. Those things were part of a younger, more naive, clouded version of myself. I'm no fool, and won't be anyone's whore for their particular agenda.

"Calculating", you got a bum rap.