Again.

just not how i saw it when i woke up today.

life a completed page of checkboxes

beautifully crafted and interwoven

lovingly joined...

glances, stares become tiny tears

gazing into my skin

infusing my bones

inverting my soul

she’s then

dangling from my sleeve

greeting the world with such genuineness

opening to the possibilities

oblivious to danger

ignorant to peril

choices.

and why should I...not?

not oblivious. 

not ignorant.

ignoring.

intentional. 

calculated excuses and rationale

selfish?

ingenious. 

misunderstood.

i open my soul

bring from within my best

present and offer

humbly.

no forcing, no coaxing, no suggestion

only free will

immediate connection

submission and tension

passion.

self gratifying

outcome bleak

tweaked, altered 

result replays...

just not how i saw it when i woke up today.

360

Off the road to nowhere, but still not used to moving this part of my life so purposefully.

Having to be careful about each choice. Why can't this come as natural as my next breath? This I don't understand. This I can't comprehend, can't wrap my mind around this unintentional loss of consciousness.

Love, lust, desire, seduction, attraction, that look, the feeling that follows, bodies, lips, fingertips, caresses, tongues. 

The strongest sensations I feel, so little of it makes me feel. I overdose, every time, and when I sober, when I come back to myself, I'm drowning in guilt, but the shame doesn't distract me from seeking my next fix. 

And the actual problem exists because I don't know when he's coming or how to sense him. I'm blind, and the only warning signs appear after I've hit it, after the feelings again take over me, and I'm in too deep...again.

I don't know how to predict it, don't know how to avoid it, so don't fault me for not learning from my mistakes, from these cycles of nothingness...that mean everything to me.