Off the road to nowhere, but still not used to moving this part of my life so purposefully.
Having to be careful about each choice. Why can't this come as natural as my next breath? This I don't understand. This I can't comprehend, can't wrap my mind around this unintentional loss of consciousness.
Love, lust, desire, seduction, attraction, that look, the feeling that follows, bodies, lips, fingertips, caresses, tongues.
The strongest sensations I feel, so little of it makes me feel. I overdose, every time, and when I sober, when I come back to myself, I'm drowning in guilt, but the shame doesn't distract me from seeking my next fix.
And the actual problem exists because I don't know when he's coming or how to sense him. I'm blind, and the only warning signs appear after I've hit it, after the feelings again take over me, and I'm in too deep...again.
I don't know how to predict it, don't know how to avoid it, so don't fault me for not learning from my mistakes, from these cycles of nothingness...that mean everything to me.
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