No Martyr

Death is such a natural thing. We are literally born to die – it’s the only way to continue cycles of life; the goal is to respect it, live it deliberately and try to enlighten ourselves and/or enlighten a few people along the way.  Our purpose here could be little more than to push someone else along, or more coveted is when our existence is used to transform a nation, a culture or a mindset.   I used to be scared to die, and work to come to resolve with the fear associated with loss. The root of this is change, and death reminds us each time that change is mostly an unexpected entity that comes to disrupt our lives and kill our spirits, even if just momentarily.  Although not completely true, it certainly invokes emotions that we generally try to hide – sadness, crying, regret.  Why death touches us so profoundly is completely personal; it should not be minimized, devalued or overlooked but it should not be a martyring tool.  No perfect person ever walked foot on this earth, so when I die, please don’t try to peg me as such.

Ambitious Nobody

My goals for myself are surely no more important than your goals for yourself. As much as I may want to believe that I take precedence over others, this simply is not the case.  Too often we consider ourselves to be failures because we succumb to the trap of comparisons. Do I have what s/he has; Can I do what s/he does?  Your task here on earth to to pay it forward. We can't control one thing that happened before the day we were born; however, we are completely responsible for the world that we exist in and how that world functions after we are gone.

I have mastered the Tools of Exclusion and Inclusion to create an environment ideal for my personality; however, that is for my personality as it is, not necessarily as I want it to be.  Although I get caught up in the individualistic ideals at times, I always come back to my desire to do what's in the best interest of everyone I come in contact with. This doesn't mean I'll always be liked, praised or thanked. It does mean that after our interaction, if I've done my best, I've contributed in some way to myself and/or someone else.

A dangerous occurrence - I've found out what folks are awed about. I know how to exploit it when I want to, I know how to hide it when it suits me.  I should never hide it, and should use it to the benefit of not only myself, but implement a more pointed plan toward the success of others.

I am being called, pulled and forced toward something that I'm not yet certain of. I do know that it involves the betterment of man, the good of the collective and the consciousness of folk. Let's just see. Until I figure out my real purpose, I'm nothing more than an ambitious nobody.

Keep your opinions, I have my own; give me your facts, now those I'll own.

Church, Religion and Spirituality

Lost its value, has no value and invaluable.

Plan for Yourself Or Become Part of Another's

• Your journey in this life is just that, your journey in your life. It becomes subject to the will of others when we attempt to order our steps by another [wo]man or combination of [wo]men.  Comparison and contrasting are heavily employed tools, improperly used when it comes to centering and grounding ourselves. My progress is determined by my own hopes, desires and wishes, and are not based on those of another. Some of us haven't really gotten to know ourselves well enough to articulate what ours are. I do know this - if you don't have a plan for yourself, you'll soon become part of someone else's.

Do You Really Want It Bad Enough?

When I started working with urban youth in Chicago in 2002, I was finishing my undergraduate Physiology degree in preparation for a Physical Therapy program.  A man came to speak to my Movement Science class and asked if folks were interested in jobs. Of course!  Well his pitch was weak and vague, but the money was decent and because I genuinely liked young people (and basketball), I signed on.  I remember that first day stepping off the bus on Roosevelt Rd near California Ave and being completely culture shocked.  Dirty diapers, miscellaneous fast food and convenient wrappers along with other assorted debris lined the streets. Hustlers selling some of everything calling out to lure you over.  Suspicious-looking folk everywhere, but I assumed the best.  I walked into my first school (Collins High School, pre-restructure), checked in at the office and proceeded to the gym.  I walked in to about 30 rowdy, loud, cursing and fussing Black high school youth.  I had to quickly re-calibrate myself, expecting a pretty quiet atmosphere where students would be ready to listen and engage.  Ha! Those three assignments (Collins, Manley and Austin high schools) were my Beautiful Struggle Introduction to the failing education system of Chicago.

I assumed so ignorantly that even though these students emanated from somewhat different backgrounds, essentially all kids have the same desires in and knowledge of life. This of course is modeled and taught information that leads to appropriate behaviors; it is not inherent or hereditary.  As we all understand, at the very least from simply living our lives, that we are products of our environments; early in life those people and things that are provided us and later as adults those people and things we provide to ourselves.

I digressed.  I had my lesson plan and talking points, but what I didn't have was any type of classroom management strategy.  It was difficult at first, but as these students began to understand how much I cared about them, we made strides. It was never perfect, there was always an incident that stemmed from another incident that may have happened at school earlier or baggage they carried in from the streets, but we persevered.  I began to learn about the myriad of factors that mold Black urban youth.   I began to understand that although I too was Black, I could not automatically relate to their struggles, discovering the real implications of classism as a tool to further divide.

I'm writing about these youth because I came to associate several common characteristics with many of the hundreds of students I've worked with:

-Poor understanding  of delayed gratification
-Poor understanding of the world (or even city) around them
-Unrealistic expectations for their lives based on the amount of work they were willing to put in

I've come to now recognize these same commonalities in adults who generally feel their lives are less successful than they would have desired.  Likely they too shared the above characteristics as youngsters due to other higher-priority happenings (abuse, fear, abandonment/neglect, survival, etc) and/or failure of the adults in their lives to provide clear definitions of Wants and Needs.  It manifests today in adults feeling powerless and relinquishing control of their lives to whatever unproductive yet attractive sirens who sing catchy tunes.

We are resilient folk. We can make anything happen physically, once we commit mentally.  Time travel is not yet here! Stop sulking over past situations which I guarantee can not be altered. They were what they were, and you are who you are.  BUT, who you are is not who you have to be.  If you desire to make changes to your life then just start choosing toward them. You have to want it bad enough, you have to commit to a plan and you have to execute.  If you don't know how find someone to help or start some basic research.  Research? Yes, whenever we want to know something we research.  If you want to know the last person Lil Wayne got pregnant, guess what you are going to do? Ask someone or use your trusty computer.  That easy, right?

We can't change what happened 20 years ago, 10 years ago or even 10 minutes ago, we can though take time right this moment to modify our plans, our thoughts, our actions.  Whether you want to accept it or not, you have committed to your life as it is right now, for better or for worse.  Thankfully, changing ourselves is easier than changing mates, so divorce those unproductive ways of behaving and live a holistically satisfying life.  Amen.    

        

It Has Always Been In You

So I seem to be stuck on the subject of envy because I feel that it fuels much of the dissent and ill-will in our relationships.  What we can not avoid is that we have been groomed into our beliefs and understandings in terms of relating to people, which is also reinforced with every mainstream movie, reality show and song. 

We are essentially taught to sit back and watch a select few live a grandiose life, while we sit back and "ooh' and "aah", wishing we too could have the same opportunities. More harmful than the doe eyes is our gross consumption of these "stars" and their lives. We want to watch them, listen to them, buy what they buy (which we cannot afford), eat what they endorse (because they don't really eat that), and be what they are without the intense work and efforts they put it. What we see in others as enlightening we could also see in ourselves. It takes movement, prioritizing, praying, loving and reciprocation.

Imagine mastering the art of the reciprocal relationship, where you can find any resource you need by building appropriate, healthy relationships with people from the start, and when you are in need of something you receive it without hesitation and often without asking. People will literally come to you offering!

You have this in you, you really do. We were born perfect, and this world gradually corrupts us, but we must make the cognizant choice to resist what we know is not of benefit to us, and seek what we know is.

My Wish For All Those I Know

Success is not easy, recalling the gentleman's discussion from the video "The Truth".  I consider myself to be on a pretty successful path and even I was taken aback, because I know I slack sometimes when I could go harder.  What makes us gravitate toward collective averageness? In this mindset those trying to do more are considered overly confident or arrogant.  When we complain and wallow, people rally around us. When we celebrate and progress, people feign excitement or simply can't celebrate because this highlights their failure to be more.

I also keep reflecting on the quote by Marianne Williamson which formed part of Nelson Mandela's inaugural speech.   She so perfectly sums up my hopes for those around me and beyond me.  We spend time trying to hold each other back or at bay to hide our own insecurities and inadequacies; instead of developing our existences we decide that it's much less work to stay where we are and commit to the limitation of others.

My goal is to inspire and to be inspired so that I can inspire some more. Not to make you feel I think the world of myself, but to show that you must have confidence in yourself and in what you do, no matter what. People may not like my writing, my music, my insight, my knowledge or my dedication.  But do you know what? I love my writing, my music, my insight, my knowledge and my dedication. My love of these things does not hinge or rely on how many comments, accolades or acknowledgments I receive. You do not need this validation.  Do not let folks smother you from their fear of inadequacy.

Your Playing Small does not Serve the World

Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be?
You are a child of God

Your playing small does not serve the world
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone
And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give
other people the right to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.

Everything in this life is about choices, our own, because even when someone forces us to react based on choices they made that affect us, we still have to decide how we will react.  Choose toward success. Choose toward Him. Choose toward collective uplifting.

Be the Change You Wish to See

The level of misery in the world at large, and more importantly in some of the folks I actually interact with, is awful.  I see people soak in their stew of shit, adding ingredients, warming it up and then wonder why their lives stink so badly. Instead of advice, they'd rather have pity. Instead of help, they'd rather have sympathy. Instead of progress, they'd rather spend their time trying to limit others. Me, perfect? Hell no, but I will say this - I am in constant thought and reflection on how I can improve myself for those around me. You ask my advice, I'm coming straight from the School of Thought that creates cycles of goodness. If you're looking for coddling with no lesson, ask someone else.

On Revealing Myself

I've always been good at a lot of things, but have always taken the path that was most practical and sensical, because I was too afraid to stray from what people assumed should be happening in my life.  What a dreary and drab state in which to exist!  My poetry has always been an outlet, and over the past several years the words have formed lines and lyrics, setting the stage  for them to be combined with music and voila! The big reveal, because what no one knew is that since I was in the 8th grade I wanted to be a musician of words, not so much a rapper but combining thoughtful words with music.  This feels realllly good.

Quitting my day job? Not likely, lol! But me, my Bluebird mic, my Saffire 6, Mac and Logic Pro 9 are definitely having a good time in my walk-in closet...

View my works at:

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheRealLifeSituation?feature=mhsn

Somewhere skewed existences,

One too late, one too early

one took pace, one unsteadied

yet with the many trite constraints

and some not as simple as others,

both entwined without effort – perfect.

Forced up out of the dream,

Realization forming all around me

Engulfing, suffocating reality

Unrelenting present, staring me in my face

When still all I see is appendage, then core, then soul

not my terms, that more a secular label,

but me? all on one accord, then lightly and growing cords, chords

And the music begins and toes start tapping,

Their heads bob, and they all step right in tune,

Pulling me right in, 3 entities with agendas

All pulling me apart,

to be released and consumed

All this perceived pain must surely mame,

but not a single discomfort

so for this I must be thankful

That open doors are less than total

Flowing right in where needed, not necessarily always wanted

But definitely needed...or I could possibly underestimate?

No..well...maybe...very fearful now, for I could foresee a marriage

In the theoretical sense, of hearts and minds.

If welcome is 180 degrees, but only then

Because I’m still no fool.

And So I Write

Much on my mind since I chose this quest

Question seen and unseen thing, total unrest

Rest easy if you believe that no studies pass tests

 And find your life forever under total conquest

And so I write, not for just my own cognition

Not to make you feel I think in grand position

Might lose some credibility - tough things just missing

but  psyche stronger than any a transfixed vision

Lost my momma, this sent me on some strange big mission

To find myself and insert in my own ignition

Took off into the night and woke illuminated pistons

And now my flow so fluid like my skin went missin

Used to wish for traits though opposite God-given

Thought I was never right, looked for more - went fishin

Fed, consumed myself on this world’s ven-i-son

Found out just full of waste, time to break – excision.

In search now of the knowledge, more than life transition

Build on myself to help you find what you’ve been missin

Holistic meaning, motives, movement, action yet listen

Never follow perfect path, Boogieman’s trickin,

So I write…

And so I write

And so I write

And so I write…

And so I write, track lessons for my three fu-tures

So they don’t dare get caught up in this faux couture

So they don’t dare get bought up in this pricey lure

So to not add to disease but to be the cure

And to my folk surviving in these streets controlled

Although they gave you choices from some others’ polls

Don’t ever take the punch, or don’t get down and roll

Don’t let’em dim your lights and turn your warmth too cold

There’s only One who really got this whole thing sewed

The One who said collect only what you have sowed

The One who said confess and let me save your soul

And I challenge you to find Him on that easy road

When the pressure descend find my legs unbowed

They seek to break us down please don't give up the code

All together, brave the weather, keep the row

And I’ll keep up the spirits with these thoughtful flows,

So I write...

And so I write

And so I write

And so I write

RedPill

...either they ain't ready or i'm overly prepared,

starting sharing knowledge and they strangely stared,

and they still couldn't see until i dumbed down the glare,

then my soul got weary then my temper flared,

because it wasn't even like they never really cared,

but they willingly oppressed themselves, offered the fare...

my God...lives based on choices carefully prepared –

packaged up in stores to where we sprint like hares

and give ourselves bare to which no fruit we bear

and in emptiness we surround ourselves, to stray away we dare,

because this IS stability , fabricated ware

and sometimes just something feels good when nothing else pairs.

RedPill.

Sickening, thickening decline in moral levels

We switch sides so often like our brains on bevels

The lemurs running fierce to our heavens or our hells

Snitched, arrested, jailed… we doin it to ourselves

And we love it, embrace it, spend time rallying for basics

And the trash with which we consume ourselves

To it we rush, don’t pace it

And I only write these words out of my own frustration

That 95% who read them just won’t make it

Enlightenment takes courage to go beyond, just take it.

Red Pill.

building home

building home
building home
building home to fight the wrong
the injusticeS
all to thwart the plans
that hinder, slave and then demand
more souls,
And we so readily the lions' lambs
we invite more of ourselves
into their plan
consumption, consumption
hoarding more
and when those in need come to our door?
we shun, exclude in one or more
charity? no.
God-given right to explore
the life beyond, surplus and wealth
we clamor, fight, work to our death
to be among elite and star
building Babylon on earth subpar
but never did He endorse such shit
that we may be controlled in it
all we allow to roam within
our existences reflect influences
cheat, lies, covet, take
we see this daily, hook and bait
invasive on your TV screen
mainstream music fits in between
coincidences now ended
exactly what they intended
and where you find yourself in it?
better be where you end it
'cause the road to salvation
is not half-assed, and is not pretended.

building home
building home
building home to fight the wrong
injusticeS, while we seek plushness
comfortability and cushion
building layers of ignorance,
preconditioning our lives
with the songs of Sirens in rightful tune
building vast empires of sorrows and doom
I sweep, shovel this noise off my stoop
and prepare my mind for battle
because when their shoes bring dirt and soot
I'll be absent, fence not straddled...

Again.

just not how i saw it when i woke up today.

life a completed page of checkboxes

beautifully crafted and interwoven

lovingly joined...

glances, stares become tiny tears

gazing into my skin

infusing my bones

inverting my soul

she’s then

dangling from my sleeve

greeting the world with such genuineness

opening to the possibilities

oblivious to danger

ignorant to peril

choices.

and why should I...not?

not oblivious. 

not ignorant.

ignoring.

intentional. 

calculated excuses and rationale

selfish?

ingenious. 

misunderstood.

i open my soul

bring from within my best

present and offer

humbly.

no forcing, no coaxing, no suggestion

only free will

immediate connection

submission and tension

passion.

self gratifying

outcome bleak

tweaked, altered 

result replays...

just not how i saw it when i woke up today.

360

Off the road to nowhere, but still not used to moving this part of my life so purposefully.

Having to be careful about each choice. Why can't this come as natural as my next breath? This I don't understand. This I can't comprehend, can't wrap my mind around this unintentional loss of consciousness.

Love, lust, desire, seduction, attraction, that look, the feeling that follows, bodies, lips, fingertips, caresses, tongues. 

The strongest sensations I feel, so little of it makes me feel. I overdose, every time, and when I sober, when I come back to myself, I'm drowning in guilt, but the shame doesn't distract me from seeking my next fix. 

And the actual problem exists because I don't know when he's coming or how to sense him. I'm blind, and the only warning signs appear after I've hit it, after the feelings again take over me, and I'm in too deep...again.

I don't know how to predict it, don't know how to avoid it, so don't fault me for not learning from my mistakes, from these cycles of nothingness...that mean everything to me.